"What’s Wrong with Her!?" When You’re Stuck in Anger and Can’t (or Won’t) Go Deeper

In couples therapy, one of the most common defenses isn’t yelling. It’s insisting that the problem is the other person.

• “They're too sensitive.”

• “He twists everything I say.”

• “She’s always needing something.”

• “They can’t handle the truth.”

Underneath those lines, there's often a deeper question simmering— “What’s wrong with them!?”

And if you’re willing, even just a little, I’d like to help you look at that question through a different lens.

When "What's Wrong with Her" Actually Means "What Feels Too Risky for Me to Acknowledge"

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we talk about protector parts—the versions of you that step in with fire, sarcasm, withdrawal, or control, especially when things get emotionally charged.

In Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we say it even more plainly:

When vulnerability feels too dangerous, we go into superiority or blame.

So when you’re stuck thinking “What’s wrong with her?”, you may actually be avoiding something far scarier:

• Feeling powerless

• Admitting that you’ve been hurt

• Facing a fear that you don’t matter

• Or confronting shame you’ve carried for years

And so your system does what it learned to do: it turns pain into anger. It turns hurt into “her fault.”

What Your Therapist Might Say (Gently and Boldly)

“I hear how frustrating this is for you. And I believe that what you’re feeling is real.

But I also hear how quickly the spotlight goes to her—what she does wrong, how she reacts, how she disappoints.

And I want to ask—if we slow this down, what might be too hard to feel in you?”

This isn’t an attack. It’s an invitation—to curiosity, to leadership, to growth.

Why It’s Easier to Stay Angry

Anger gives you clarity. It feels strong. It keeps the story clean: “She’s the problem. I just react.”

But here’s the cost of staying in that stance:

• You block repair

• You stunt intimacy

• You avoid the one thing that could actually change the pattern: your own vulnerable truth

And in RLT, that truth matters. Because without accountability, there’s no relational transformation.

So What Do You Do Instead?

Try this:

Instead of asking “What’s wrong with her?”, ask:

“What might my reaction be protecting me from?”

• A fear of rejection?

• A shame story I’ve never named?

• The ache of not being enough?

You don’t have to answer it perfectly. You just have to be willing to turn inward.

That’s the beginning of relational maturity.

(My colleague Bev wrote a great article on listening to your body, here

https://bev.co.il/resource/articles/blogger/bev)

What Real Courage Looks Like

In RLT, we say:

You are not responsible for your childhood wounds—but you are 100% responsible for how they show up in your relationships now.

That means owning your anger without making your partner the villain. It means getting curious about your protectors instead of defending them. It means being brave enough to say:

• “There’s a part of me that gets cold when I feel small.”

• “I go into blame when I feel helpless.”

• “It’s easier to criticize her than admit I feel like I’m failing.”

That’s not weakness. That’s leadership.

You Don’t Have to Give Up the Fire—Just Learn to Lead It

The part of you that says, “What’s wrong with her?” is trying to protect you. I honor that.

But if you want real intimacy—if you want more than just being right—then it’s time to start asking different questions.

And when you’re ready, I’ll help you go there. Not to tear you down. But to set you free.

Dr. Sima Menora, PsyD

www.IntegrativePsychology.co.il