Go to Sleep Angry!

menorasima
1 day ago
3 min read

Busting an age-old maxim

I used to believe you should never go to sleep angry.

Then I learned about the adaptive child. You know, the very young part of us that learned to protect ourselves by 'speaking up' or running away?

Aren’t we supposed to “communicate”? To clear the air? To resolve things in real time?

Yes.And also—no.

Because when you’re flooded, you’re not actually communicating.You’re protecting. You’re posturing. You’re proving. You’re reacting.

You’re not in your adult self.

You’re in what schema therapists call your adaptive child.

And like Terry Real says, we need the adaptive child to "take their sticky hands off the wheel and let me drive!"

When You’re Not You

The adaptive child is the part of you that learned how to survive.It’s brilliant. It’s fast. It’s protective.

But it’s not relational.

When you’re mad, you might notice:

Your body leans forward.
Your jaw tightens.
Your voice sharpens.
You interrupt.
You build your case while the other person is still talking.

Or maybe you do the opposite:

You cross your arms.
You lean back and go cold.
You say “fine” but mean anything but.
You shut down and retreat into icy competence.

Both are adaptive child strategies.

One goes at .One goes away.

Neither goes with.

How You Sit Is How You Speak

Watch couples when they’re upset.

One partner inches forward, chin lifted, voice clipped.The other sinks back, eyes narrowing, tone dismissive.

Before a word is said, the bodies are already fighting.

When you’re in adaptive child, your nervous system is running the show. You’re not collaborating—you’re bracing.

If you try to “talk it out” from here, what usually happens?

You escalate.
You litigate.
You weaponize old data.
You leave more wounded than when you started.

The Pause Is Not Avoidance

Taking space when you’re flooded isn’t withdrawal. It’s responsibility.

But only if you use the pause wisely.

This is where we build the bridge back to the adult self.

Here are a few ways to move out of adaptive child before you re-engage:

1. Change Your Posture

Literally.

Unclench your jaw.Uncross your arms.Sit back.Slow your breath.Put both feet on the floor.

Your body can lead your brain home.

2. Name the Part

Instead of saying, “You never listen,” try internally naming what’s happening:

“Oh. This is my part that feels dismissed.”“This is my part that panics when I feel unimportant.”

The shift from attack to awareness is enormous.

3. Get Curious Before You Get Correct

Dr. Susan Heitler, whose work on collaborative dialogue has shaped so much healthy conflict practice, teaches couples to shift from adversarial debate to joint problem-solving.

Her core question is deceptively simple:

What is your concern, and what is my concern—and how do we solve for both?

Notice the orientation.

Not: Who’s right?Not: Who started it?But: What are the two valid concerns in the room?

You cannot ask that question from adaptive child.You can only ask it from adult.

The Adult Sounds Different

When you come back regulated, your tone shifts.

Instead of:

“You always do this.”

You might say:

“When that happened, I felt small. I think I reacted from that place.”

Instead of:

“You’re impossible.”

You might say:

“I want to solve this in a way that works for both of us.”

The content may be similar.The energy is completely different.

One goes at.One goes with.

The Real Work

Conflict isn’t the problem.Flooding is.

If you want intimacy, don’t force resolution while you’re still hot.

Pause.Move your body.Name the part.Come back sitting differently—literally and emotionally.

Because the goal isn’t to win the moment.

It’s to stay in the relationship.

And that requires the courage to leave adaptive child—and return as an adult who can sit beside, not across.